What we run from pursues us…

David Kessler is one of the most kind, caring and wise experts in the field of Grief and Loss. Throughout our Grief Educator training, one of the statements he repeated often was…

“What we run from pursues us. What we face transforms us.”

The meaning is clear. When we suppress or hide our emotions, they remain hidden. They may be in the shadows, locked away for a time, or we might believe that they are gone. 

However, in truth, holding our feelings is like holding a beachball underwater for hours on end. After 2 hours, it might be ok…. then 8 hours, maybe 18 hours, or even in some cases as long as 18 months, our arms would get pretty tired and eventually we relent. The beachball POPS out of the water on its own accord, without any control of its direction.

Similarly, if we hold in our emotions – whether it’s sadness, anger, or grief – they will, at some point, express themselves, usually in moments that may be shocking to those around us. What would be supportive and kind is to find safe spaces to be able to tell our story(s), and have our feelings witnessed with gentle compassion and understanding.

How do you know you’re holding feelings in and what can you do about it?

1. First, pause. Take a moment to stop what you’re doing and get curious about whatever feelings are present. For some people this may be uncomfortable. Be sure to pause when you’re in a safe environment, or with people who you can trust to listen or be compassionately patient with you.
2. Next, acknowledge that there is a feeling there. You don’t have to name or label it. Just notice that it’s there, and perhaps greeting it with a gentle hello. You’d be surprised by what this simple greeting does.
3. Then, breathe. Allow yourself to take at least 3 or more long and slow breaths, setting your attention on the temperature of the air going in, and then noticing that it’s warmer on the exhale.
4. When it feels like you are ready to stop, let your breathing come to it’s natural pace again, and with your eyes open, look around at the colours surrounding you. Then, Smile.
5. A simple grin or smile to end this ritual gives your subconscious what it needs to appreciate the release and shift that has taken place.
6. Lastly, say to yourself “Thank you.”  Not to anyone or anything in particular. Mostly this is an appreciation and acknowledgement to your Self for taking time to be present. 

How do you feel now?
What do you notice after doing this?
Is there anything that came up that you’d like to appreciate?

This simple tool, The Pause, helps to regulate the nervous system and brings us into the present moment. With time and practice, you’ll find that your ability to pause becomes easier and benefits not only you but everyone around you as well.